#buildaladder

I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I was doing really well with posting daily, and getting my butt around to film and such for Youtube and then we got some pretty bad news and I’ve been spiraling ever since. I’ve been doing the bare minimum with cleaning the house because my boys spiked a fever two nights ago and John began throwing up the next day and today they seem to be better but there’s a nasty bug going around that seems to be over and then hits hard. Which really stinks because if this isn’t the end then Monday is going to be a shit show.

My husband told me this morning that I can’t let myself and who I am get lost in the pain. And the problem is I never emotionally recovered from the medical disaster I survived and I do feel like I have been lost for the past three years. And I can’t let it. I mean I let myself get lost when I became a mother and a wife. In between those two things happening I almost died and I don’t think mentally I ever came back from that.

Neither of the boys is in headstart yet so it’s really hard to find child care while I am going into therapy or doctor’s appointments etc. And I’ve put myself on the back burner for so long that its kinda become normal for me to just live like every bone in my body is breaking and my muscles and skin are on fire. And my doctor refuses to send me to specialists because she is convinced I have fibromyalgia but yet I have failed 5 different fibro meds.

With that being said I will continue to fight and I will continue to find out what is wrong with me. I have to. In the meantime, I am going to try to remain more positive and more and stick to a routine where I make myself get up and do stuff every day more then what I’ve done in the past few days of self-pity.

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