I want to be positive…

Since almost dying a huge part of me has promised myself, and plan on waking up everyday thankful, grateful, and positive. I read, I focus on positive things..

But you know what? That’s really hard to do when your brain doesn’t produce enough of the chemical to make you happy. Serotonin and dopamine  are produced and absorbed by neurotransmitters in the brain, and apparently my brain is faulty because it either makes too much, or not enough. And the winter months are always hard for me. Not enough sunshine and the cold… I’m always cold.

I take my medication to help my brain think its getting enough but there are days  that I am in so much physical and emotional pain that I just can’t adult. Then the Mommy Guilt kicks in. I feed my children and I’ll drink a protein shake, I’ll clean the house, but I am too exhausted to take a shower or do my make up, I do a work out and I’m drained for a week and a half or I’m suffering from a migraine for three out of the seven days in the week and I end up crying in a panic attack because I’m in so much pain and nothing will help and I’m terrified that I’m going back into the hospital.

Or my anxiety gets so bad that I don’t want to be touched and every noise sounds like nails on a chalk board.

So this is my project to start being more grateful. I will take time out daily to write in my journal about my gratitude and I will start posting them here.

1. I am beyond grateful for my husband. DJ has been there with my for some of the scariest times in my life and refuses to walk away. When I almost died he was there, with me always and he was just amazing with changing my bandages and hugging me when I snapped at him. Even with my mistakes and over doing it, he is there in an unconditional way. I hope he never questions how grateful I am for how hard he works and how much I love him.