It’s frustrating going through something that nobody understands. It’s harder when everyone is passing judgment or just flat out calling you lazy. I thought my medical fight and being open about everything would help me cope, and help other people not have to go through what I’ve been through. But it’s been brought to my attention that it’s just not worth it anymore to try to get a little understanding, let alone empathy from people who don’t know and never will.
What’s worse is when the judgment comes from the people that suffer from a chronic illness and still pass judgment just breaks me. So I’m going to bottle it all up and maybe one day when all of this mess gets figured out I’ll start being honest again about my medical traumas and the journey I am on.
But for now, its time for me to put an end to the speculation. I am severely depressed. I am in widespread chronic pain daily, I also have some level of a migraine daily. I always have. Its gotten worse since my surgeries and almost dying. I have anxiety.
And I am doing the best I can. I haven’t been on the computer nearly as much as “normal” because I’ve been so depressed. I’ve let myself go, let my life go. And now the world is crumbling at my feet and its all my fault. I generally feel like everything is my fault. And it is.
My brain can’t brain right now and I can feel myself shutting down. And I’m fighting to the point where I feel like there’s not enough fight in me and I am alone.
And my husband is understanding as much as he can be, but when it comes to action it’s still down to me. Me trying to make him understand. Me trying to ignore the judgment and the shame of my body failing me this early in life.
And I wish I could wave a magic want to make it all go away.