For awhile now I have been struggling with my post near death experience and gaining weight. I understand logically that I almost died and that losing so much weight so fast wasn’t healthy and my body was burning a lot of calories trying to heal from the inside out. I also understand logically that I lost a lot of muscle mass in my core with being laid up for so long as well as the hernia being as large as it was. I also understand logically that the depo shot did not help and I should have never went on it.
I also understand that my depression caused eating habits to turn to crap. I was eating my feelings and bottling up a lot of what I was thinking and feeling. This is unhealthy for so many reasons. And now I am sitting here in the after math of all this. I’m fat. Again. Not as fat as I was when I had the weight loss surgery but I’m about the size I was when I came home from Michigan.
I.am.livid. I know I need to change and I am working on this every single day. But here’s the thing. I feel like I am so much bigger then I actually am. Like I feel like I’m the 300 lb woman again and not the 220 lbs woman that I am. I hate my body. I don’t feel sexy and I think that I maybe suffering again from body dismorphia. I’m rarely hungry and when I do eat, its usually coffee, salads, small meals and protein shakes. This frustrates me so much because I am working my ass off and the scale just isn’t moving and it makes me want to eat less and less.
I don’t feel beautiful but at the same time I see myself with my pixie cut and super skinny days and I felt like I looked a lot unhealthier then I do now. It LOOKED like I was fighting for my life because I was so small. But now I’m too big in my mind and my struggle with food and my relationship with food is changing and in a good way.
I’m not looking for pity or compliments. I seriously want to be honest with you, my dear readers because if you are struggling with mental health issues or body issues or even eating issues -YOU AREN’T ALONE. Don’t ever feel alone.