Let’s be honest here…..

For awhile now I have been struggling with my post near death experience and gaining weight. I understand logically that I almost died and that losing so much weight so fast wasn’t healthy and my body was burning a lot of calories trying to heal from the inside out. I also understand logically that I lost a lot of muscle mass in my core with being laid up for so long as well as the hernia being as large as it was. I also understand logically that the depo shot did not help and I should have never went on it.

I also understand that my depression caused eating habits to turn to crap. I was eating my feelings and bottling up a lot of what I was thinking and feeling. This is unhealthy for so many reasons. And now I am sitting here in the after math of all this. I’m fat. Again. Not as fat as I was when I had the weight loss surgery but I’m about the size I was when I came home from Michigan.

I.am.livid. I know I need to change and I am working on this every single day. But here’s the thing. I feel like I am so much bigger then I actually am.  Like I feel like I’m the 300 lb woman again and not the 220 lbs woman that I am. I hate my body. I don’t feel sexy and I think that I maybe suffering again from body dismorphia. I’m rarely hungry and when I do eat, its usually coffee, salads, small meals and protein shakes. This frustrates me so much because I am working my ass off and the scale just isn’t moving and it makes me want to eat less and less.

I don’t feel beautiful but at the same time I see myself with my pixie cut and super skinny days and I felt like I looked a lot unhealthier then I do now. It LOOKED like I was fighting for my life because I was so small.  But now I’m too big in my mind and my struggle with food and my relationship with food is changing and in a good way.

I’m not looking for pity or compliments. I seriously want to be honest with you, my dear readers because if you are struggling with mental health issues or body issues or even eating issues -YOU AREN’T ALONE. Don’t ever feel alone.

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2 thoughts on “Let’s be honest here…..

  1. I’m in the same boat — I was on a good note with my fitness until I had emergency surgery last July (and the depression that ensued from the shock of it all) and I’ve since gained a good 10 kilos at least, and now I feel unattractive no matter what my partner says.

    You have to eat, though. Little meals throughout the day, you’re probably plateauing because you eat so little. Your body thinks it’s starving and absolutely halts your metabolism.

    Also swimming is amazing.

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