I try to be positive

Since almost dying a huge part of me has promised myself, and plan on waking up everyday thankful, grateful, and positive. I read, I focus on positive things..

But you know what? That’s really hard to do when your brain doesn’t produce enough of the chemical to make you happy. Serotonin and dopamine  are produced and absorbed by neurotransmitters in the brain, and apparently my brain is faulty because it either makes too much, or not enough. And the winter months are always hard for me. Not enough sunshine and the cold… I’m always cold.

I take my medication to help my brain think its getting enough but there are days  that I am in so much physical and emotional pain that I just can’t adult. Then the Mommy Guilt kicks in. I feed my children and I’ll drink a protein shake, I’ll clean the house, but I am too exhausted to take a shower or do my make up, I do a work out and I’m drained for a week and a half or I’m suffering from a migraine for three out of the seven days in the week and I end up crying in a panic attack because I’m in so much pain and nothing will help and I’m terrified that I’m going back into the hospital.

Or my anxiety gets so bad that I don’t want to be touched and every noise sounds like nails on a chalk board. And everything hurts, even the cloths I’m wearing, because the anxiety isn’t just mental anymore, its become physical. My chest will hurt and I’ll get a phantom pain in my abdomen that can’t be explained which just contributes to the anxiety cycle because I’ll start to think to myself that I’m going to end up back in the hospital or dead and then I’ll start to think what my children’s life would be like with out me, what DJ’s life would be like.

But I am helpless to stop all of this cycle. So I try to stay positive, and distracted. When I feel well I will clean the house until it shines, when I am unwell I escape in books like some escape using drugs. I do know this, that my journey is one day at a time. Some days are bad. Some are good. But at least I’m alive to live them.

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