We beat the ick…

We beat the ick. Thank goodness. Things have been very slow this week, because I started out this week so sick. My anxiety has me running in high gear, and I can’t say its over one thing, or over many things. I’m having very weird dreams, dreams that I haven’t had since I was a teenager. Its concerning but not at the same time. I don’t want to be so drugged that I do not dream, but at the same time I don’t want nightmares either.

We had a scheduled power outage today, most of which I played music and cleaned, or read through. The children ‘helped’ me clean the kitchen this morning. In reality they just stole the broom, a lot.

Today John had his usual speech therapy appointment, and his teacher thinks its time to test for apraxia. A condition where the brain recognizes everything you’re saying to him, but his brain isn’t telling the mouth what to say. I looked it up and this frightens me a lot because it could be due to a brain injury or a stroke, and he’s had neither unless something happened while I was in the hospital or while I wasn’t looking. Which for awhile there could have happened because of certain unspeakable circumstances.

Once I started to feel better I broke out the bleach and managed to disinfect everything so we wouldn’t keep passing the germs around. I kept having to take breaks because I kept getting winded and was so tired. This living with chronic pain disorder is still so new to me. I keep over doing it because I’m used to the before me… not this me. I’d tell you that I don’t throw pity parties for myself and wish that I was still the Karyn that was training to do a Color Run 5K and Dirty Girl 5K , and other charity 5K…

But I’m not that girl anymore. I’m that girl that’s scared to work out other than having dance parties in the living room or kitchen, because of how winded I get. How my core muscles are shredded and my basic strength that I’ve always had is gone, and now a shell of what I used to be able to do is a past tense term. There’s a mourning period when you get a diagnosis like this, and managing pain levels, and depression levels.

Its a journey I thought losing weight would prevent, and instead it brought it on faster. I had 18 months of really awesome living where I did things I never dreamed of. But now I have this amazing life, with two amazing children and I’m trying to remain stress light and remind myself to take breaks. But its hard.

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