It’s Monday, that means that DJ has gone back over the road. The house seems so huge with out him here, and so much colder. I keep wanting to talk to him, but he’s not here. Its a weird adjustment. I must turn around to talk to him five or six times before I realize that he’s just not here.
It’s hard adjusting to him being gone Monday through Friday. And right now I am drowning in stress and financial issues. It just seems like we can’t catch a break anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I want to start trying to bring in money with my photography and I’m just not confident enough in my work that it would bring in enough to make a difference.
That seems to be the problem, nothing I’m doing in the work at home genre is bringing in enough to make a difference. I could be on the computer 24/7 and I wouldn’t bring in near what DJ does. And getting a job outside the home is just not an option because of child care, and gas.
Plus with the fact that my anxiety disorder hasn’t gotten any better, but in fact worse since my medical trauma of 2015, it wouldn’t even be worth the risk of getting a job and me ending up in a nut house. I think that’s the par that bothers me the most, is that feeling of helplessness. And the fact that nothing is in my power to fix it. Its always been the bottom line of my self esteem issues. That I’m not good enough, and that I’m a failure at whatever I do. And because of those two things no body is going to want me around for very long and that’s why everyone leaves me.
I always said I had abandonment issues, and it is my number one fear, I just don’t care anymore if they stay or go. Because I’ve survived so many people leaving and then I realize it was for the better, that I am numb to people leaving. That’s probably the saddest thing I’ve ever admitted on a blog.
Numb, that’s how I feel at this point is truly numb. And helpless. And the feeling like no matter how hard I try to hold it together, I’m falling apart and I’m failing at life.