I never thought I’d be skinny…

I was a chubby child growing up. At 12 years old I weighed 136 lbs and looked 21 at least. I had a bangin body… but I had a body of someone that was 10 years older than I was at least. I was miserable. I was picked on, bullied and used because I was nice to every body and that niceness cost me a lot. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be accepted by my peers and instead I was bullied to the point of having to leave my high school to seek out counseling and ended up graduating on time.

In my early twenties after several bumps in the road, from ‘the incident’ to binge drinking and failed college attempts I began to find my own voice and bloom into the woman I am today. But I never thought I’d be skinny. When I attended Mansfield U around 2006 I joined a wonderful social sorority that accepted me for me, and my brand of crazy. I had a wonderful family line that pushed me and drove me to be a better person. I made a best friend “Smeagle” that protected me, drove me, and inspired me to be a better woman and a better example of what Greek Life is all about.

Halloween Party Fall 06 Big/Little
Halloween Party Fall 06 Big/Little

I wouldn’t trade those days for anything. But I was still fat. I was still in pain walking across the campus. (Mansfield U students understand that you have to walk up hill both ways in the snow to get to class. And laugh about it!) I became depressed after “the incident” and I began to not to care. I never went to class, and I ended up transferring to an online school.

My health began to go down hill and fast. I got into relationships for all the wrong reasons, and ended being in a very abusive one with a man I lost myself too. It took me a long time to get over him and a long time to fix myself. I became kind of a bitch. I protected myself to the ends of the earth. I lived alone for the longest time before I accepted a room mate.

pic_to_send This is a comparison picture. I was living in my apartment on main street around July of 2011 and the second picture is July of 2013. I look back at those pictures and I remember thinking, “I’ll never be skinny. I’ll never see 200 lbs let alone hit ONEderland.” I never thought I’d be able to run, walk, have children and I, sadly, for awhile gave up on the dream of having a normal and healthy life. After two heart breaks where a guy looked at me and said after pouring their hearts out at me, but wouldn’t be in a relationship with me because I was a good friend, and they were ashamed of my weight, (the unread subtext was probably because I was still ‘broken’ and ‘fixing myself’) I sobbed to the point where I couldn’t breath and decided to go against my then room mate’s opinion and a few others to have the gastric bypass. I made the first appointment in Danville and moved into a new apartment, joined a gym, started Zumba which is fun!

I went through the entire process of pre surgery for the RNY gastric bypass and suddenly I had hope! I could maybe have a life! I could maybe be skinny! My doctor told me to not get my hopes up because there’d be a chance I’d only loose 100 lbs. Well doctor man take that I’ve lost 149 lbs!

When I got back together with DJ after so many years apart, I was 200 lbs and curvy. He loved my body. He loves curvy girls. I found out very quickly that I was pregnant and even while pregnant I was loosing weight my lowest before the baby weight was 196lbs. ONEderland! I cried. I cried because I was told that I might never hit it, I cried because I wanted it so badly, I cried because my baby just kicked and the doctors told me that I had a very, very small chance of having children because of several terrible life events that have nothing to do with this post.

I don’t want to get too thin because I look better with curves than with out. I plan to live my life as healthy as possible for my children, for myself and for DJ. I just never thought I’d be skinny! I never thought I’d be able to look in the mirror and see someone I liked, let alone carry a child and be a mother. I never thought I’d be a size 15/16 jeans again.

Looking back on my life I see a past riddled with mistakes but in a way I really did get to where I am today because of those mistakes, that pain, the drive to prove the world wrong. And I have. I might not be skinny right now because of being 27 weeks pregnant but I will be again. The most important point here is that I’m not only skinny; I’m healthy. And that I wouldn’t trade for the world.

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