Life Reflections. #1

My best friend started this pretty awesome thing, but it was on facebook and you all know that you don’t get a lot of characters in that tiny status, and notes would take the place of a blog post… so I’m going to start doing reflections on life. I want to continue to grow as a woman, a mother and a human being.

So Reflection #1
When I was fat, and by fat I mean unhealthy morbidly obese almost 400lb human being… not every one was the nicest to me. I was going through a lot in my life at that time. I was living with toxic people, and I was abusing myself in so many ways, and on top of it all I was raped. I must of looked pretty scarey because people rarely smiled at me, and even on good days where I’d smile and say “Hello.” – which coming from someone that has such a bad anxiety disorder that was a feat in and of itself.
Now here I am 19 almost 20 weeks pregnant and I’ve lost 149 lbs and weigh in around 197lbs. People do treat me differently. Now before you read into this as a fat rant, hear me out. For the first time in my life I’m happy, really and truly happy. I love my life and family and of course I glow apparently. Why they say pregnant women glow I’ll never know. I feel like I’m going to be giving birth to some radio active being instead of a newborn baby.
But I smile, I laugh, I say hello and how are you… my confidence level has risen tremendously and its partially because of the weight loss but its also part that I just stopped caring what other people thought and carved my own non niche in life. I say non niche because I feel like I am a cross over of a lot of niches’ and a lot of things. Its not a bad thing to be your own person. Just today I had two doors held for my by two different men. I have my hair done, make up on and I feel awesome. Does my internal feeling differ from the me that was so depressed and so desperate to end this shallow fat existance that its caused people to react to me differently? Probably.
Here’s why I say that. If you see someone on the street your senses get a feel for that person by the way they hold themselves, if they look clean and kept. If for some reason they smell bad, or show a sickly, dirty appearance you make a judgment call. Part of this is self preservation, part is just human nature as sucky as that is. Once you past all of that the look on their faces, sad, pain, anger, happiness that’s the next step. You judge if you even want to say hi to these people because you don’t want to have anything happen to you or your safety. Some people just click right away and that’s that. Other people just rub you the wrong way to matter how much you or they try.
So in the end you know whom you want to hang around with before you even say hello. Happy, clean and good smelling people get further in life than unkempt, dirty, smelly or unhappy looking people. Its a simple fact.
That’s the saddest part, the people that often time need acknowledgement the most is the people who are unkempt, who look so sad or so unhappy that they long for human contact, even a simple hello to acknowledge their existence in this world. I read on facebook a post about how someone’s boyfriend would always smile and wave at strangers, and after a few dozen odd looks she asked him “Why?”
His reply got me. “A lot of people or tried and failed suicide attempts said that if one person, a stranger anyone, would have acknowledged them with a smile or wave they wouldn’t have done it. I want to save a life today.”
That hit me hard, because I wasn’t always this happy. I wasn’t always this amazingly happy.. I was that woman at one time who was so depressed and so out of sorts that showering was something a lot of times I couldn’t do. It wasn’t that I was lazy or anything like that. It was because I had this who cares attitude and a fuck it mantra. I didn’t want to try because every time I tried I failed and would sink deeper into this pit of hell.
Then I took my life back. I began to get healthy, to work out to loose weight. I began slowly to take risks, make mistakes and learn from them. I began to put myself out there and go dancing, joining a gym. The little victories felt awesome and now here I am almost two years later still going strong. Still OCD as hell but still feeling awesome and strong.
My point is be kind to everyone. You never know their struggles until you know them intimately.

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