I’m 28, I shouldn’t feel like this

For as long as I can remember I’ve had phantom pains that everyone around me would poo-poo off like it was all inside my head. For years I would be in daily pain where I didn’t know why, or for how long this part of my body would hurt. I’ve always been very flexible and limber even for a heavy to obese child. I played softball until an ankle injury in 6th grade prevented me from playing another season. For as long as I can remember I’ve had daily head aches, and migraines even as a child.

For years I did very little, I didn’t work out and I didn’t go out of my way to be Suzie home maker either. I let life go by as long as I wasn’t in pain. I got heavier and heavier until I couldn’t take it anymore and began my weight loss journey. I began working out. I began eating right and eventually I had the surgery. I took my vitamins, drank my shakes and logged every bite I took. I got up and did more things because I had more energy. I got pregnant.

Now? Now I am laying on my couch with the laptop in my lap close to tears. This is what I did today:

Nothing. I sat on my ass and printed off home maker binder and blog binder stuff. I got up I made dinner and helped Dj empty out the dish washer since our Thanksgiving Dinner isn’t until Saturday because of the weather.

This is how I feel:

Hopeless, everything hurts. My fingers, elbow and shoulders are subluxing and my hips, lower back, upper back, neck, knees and wrists/finger joints are screaming at me. It hurts to breath. My head hurts so bad my teeth hurts. I feel like a 90 year old woman falling apart. I’ve cried at least three times tonight alone because I’m scared of what the doctors are going to tell me.

Your mother has Fibromyalgia

So does your Aunt.

Possibly your Grand and Great Grand mother did as well.

My skin right now is hot and itchy but that could be just the dry skin factor. But everything else I’m feeling and going through isn’t normal signs of pregnancy. Its signs of a chronic pain disorder that’s setting in. I know this. I’ve known it for years and yet I push and push and its days like today where I take it easy that I end up paying for it the most. The days where the weather is crappy and the humidity is up.

Dj doesn’t deserve this. He left one broken woman and he’s fallen in love with another differently broken woman. I’m scared this pain is going to effect how good of a mother I can be. And yet here it is 1:16 AM on Thanksgiving and I feel so depressed, alone, and scared because I’m so scared that everything I love in my life is going to end up leaving me. My love of dancing. DJ, the baby.

And yet I’m beyond thankful that he’s here. I’m thankful for my family, for the roof over my head and for the things I do have. For the memories that have made me stronger and the ones I can look back on fondly. I’m thankful that we are warm, dry and taken care of.  I’m thankful for my dogs who bring me joy and laughter. For my children who I can see such bright futures for.

There’s nothing that medical teams can do for now until the baby is born so for now I’m resting, propping and snuggling with Dj. With that being said I have some cuddling to do.

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