I’m a terrible blogger as of late, and there are a lot of reasons. The biggest, is that I am cycling again. Now before you cringe and think that this is a girly bits ranting post, it’s not.
I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.
For those of you who are familiar with mental health you’ve guessed it, I’m pretty well fucked mentally. Borderline can’t be treated with medication but DBT therapy which no counselor around here is certified in. And I’ve been literally been on 18 different medication and various combinations since I was 16 years old. While this isn’t surprising that I am cycling again after such a major life change, (RNY gastric bypass) and adjusting to the hormonal changes and the weight loss, self esteem issues and the epically failed weekend and not exactly getting myself together since that day… it still is a struggle to deal with.
I have insecurities, and its hard for me to really and truly look someone I love in the face and open up because once the book is opened and the know my mental health issues, its usually “Adios! Crazy Bitch!” and I’m left with a pile more insecurities and a pile of things to work through because I feel like everything is my fault. I’ve always felt that things were my fault. I hate not having questions answered, and the actions of people speak so loud to me. There are times I wish I didn’t keep so much inside of me and that I could just spill my guts and say what was on my mind but instead I feel like the coward in the corner not really saying what is on my mind because the truth is I’m flat out scared that I’m going to get another look of pity, fear, and down right hatred.
I’m waiting very patiently for my counselor to make the appointment for the Pdoc, so I can start my medication rounds again, and yes folks that is sarcasm. I hate taking medications, I hate HATE having to depend on a pill for some semblance of normal. I’d rather just be crazy.. ok that’s a lie. I’m hurting. Emotionally and physically hurting like there is this huge cloud over my head and a rubber band around my chest and with every breath it tightens that much more. I have night terrors and panic attacks and spent most of the day in tears because of how badly my emotions have gotten to be. I fear the future and I fear that history will repeat itself and that once again I will end up shits creek with no paddle. I read, a lot, and try to keep my mind and my hands as busy as possible, but the God’s honest truth is that my coping skills are starting to fail and I’ve lost interest in just about everything. From writing, to photography to even reading at times. I am so unfocused that I feel like my writing is suffering.
So I apologize my dear readers for having to spill my mental health guts on this page, and doing so with tear stained cheeks, because this is my safe haven, this is where I don’t feel so alone– which has been a lot lately. I’m going to be going through the posts, since this blog’s creation in December and fixing any spelling errors and grammatical errors as I go, and just trying to remain positive while this ongoing process is happening. I can tell you this, that this isn’t all just inside my head, and that I’m not faking it. Its really happening and it sucks.