I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, having deleted my other blog with zero backing up of the entries or blog posts that my long entry of why I wanted weight loss surgery and what brought me to that point. Have you ever watched the documentary “Fat, sick and nearly dead”? That was me. This was a few months before my first consultation I had broken up with an abusive man and was finding myself living alone and enjoying it for the first time in my life. I was able to be well, me. All of me. There was a lot of it.
But I was in pain a lot. I couldn’t help but to HAVE to get out to walk because I had a dog. So she had to be walked. Sitting, standing, breathing, everything hurt. I couldn’t handle living this large anymore. At one time I was bigger than this picture and I never went to the doctor, and when I did it was because I was too sick to function and was in terrible pain because of it. My doctor stopped weighing me and just would give me the largest does of antibiotic that I could handle at his “guess” of my weight. Since I’m allergic to Penicillin anything based off of that I couldn’t take so I usually got the Z packs and was up to two before it would kick whatever it is that I had.
I didn’t dare leave the house with out my inhaler, I didn’t go for super long walks when it was cold outside, and basically lived my life in front of the computer because it hurt to do anything else. I would walk to get take out and walk home to eat alone, I didn’t put myself out there to be in relationships because no guy I felt wanted me at this large of a woman. I felt insecure and I made some bad men choices in my quest to find love yet ignore that I was the biggest person in the room….
After a very good friend of mine began to talk to me and tell me he had feelings for me and I fell pretty hard.. well he decided that he didn’t want to screw up our friendship and that’s when I realized that until I did something to improve my health, my weight and my outlook on myself that no man would love me either because I had to take the first step to love myself enough to try to loose weight. I went into the kitchen that night and sobbed breathless and made the decision that I was going to do something for me and really change my life that nothing was going to change. Did this change come about for the wrong reasons? No. Because I wanted to change for me, I’d done so much for every one else in my life that I wanted on selfish thing for me. So I made the appointment and my primary doctor said that I would probably only loose 100 lbs and at 345 lbs that would be only 245 lbs… guess what I’m bouncing now around 212 lbs to 207 lbs and I’ve lost 138 lbs and am still loosing. I won’t rest until I hit 145 lbs.
It hasn’t been an easy journey, nor would I lie and say that there aren’t times when I cry and wish I could eat some of those things, and how complicated my diet is, when in fact its simple, protein shakes, small meals, and poof done. I struggle with water intake, but that’s nothing new I always have.
I’m still in the process of my journey, and this is one that I don’t regret, because I needed it to save my life in so many ways. Before I lost the weight I had sleep apnea, severe PCOS and insulin resistance, everything hurt and now the sleep apnea is gone, the insulin resistance may be there but its not as bad and the PCOS is still there but I haven’t had as many cysts as i used to. I just wish my migraines would knock it the fuck off, I’d be happy.
The point is I did this for me and I don’t regret it, I’m very happy with the progress I have made and the progress I’m going to be making.