Going into my gastric bypass I had this silver lined dream of how once the access weight is off and I hit ONEderland that everything would be glitter and rainbows and my poor self esteem would not be an issue any longer… well that’s not exactly true.
In November I moved from Michigan back to Pennsylvania completely destroyed because I loved his man so much that I felt like I wasn’t me with out him, sad I know. But I went from 245 ish pounds in November when I came home to 222 lbs as of January of this year, I was happy. i was walking everywhere, going to bars and actually dancing and getting hit on and the attention was nice, but not what I was all that comfortable with, since drunk dudes aren’t the best thing in the world to want attention from…
I spent a lot of time going for walks, cleaning the apartment, going to the library or just being alone. Then in January 5th after my now house mate Kate said “Hey you should come down, Cory’s single!” and us getting together, and me moving in soon after because of a lot of drama back in T-town that wasn’t even my fault… just rumors and such… I began to notice how bad my self esteem really was- IS.
It sucks. I’m so scared all the time that Cory will one day tell me that I’m not good enough and as much as I’ve healed, that one thing is still a very real wound that is constantly open. I compare myself all the time to other women, women in movies, women in public, women whom have had the gastric before me, wondering why I’m not thinner, why at my weight I’m not in a smaller size jean then a 16/18…
Its exhausting. I’ve gotten back into counseling for it, but the hard cold truth is that anyone looking into gastric well, its not a fix all. Its a tool and nothing more. You have to do the work, you have to do the work outs you have to learn to love yourself, and while I thought the loving myself thing was doing pretty kick ass… its not. I was faking it and the truth is I find something every day that makes me sick to my stomach, my loose skin, my hips and the flub around them, my knee that is starting to creek, snap, and crackle when ever I move, walk, go up and down the stairs etc. I have an appointment with the doctor soon and that is fine, but in the end it may lead to another surgery and that I’m not looking forward too because I sleep upstairs, I don’t deal well with sleeping alone when I’m in a relationship… just ugh.
There are days I still feel fat, ugly and worthless, there are still things about my body I don’t like, and I’m willing to work on it, but at the same time its just so frustrating to have so much loose skin, losing weight is awesome and I feel so much better but I’d be in a size 12/14 right now or smaller if it wasn’t so much for this god damned loose skin. I make jokes but it is something I’m very insecure about, and I can’t wear shapers all the time because I only have one set, and its hotter then hell outside right now. Summer is so unforgiving to the former fat girls let me just say.
The reality of it is that I will probably never be able to afford plastic surgery to remove the access skin either. I don’t care as long as I’m healthy, I just wish I could have this love affair with myself that goes beyond, hair nails and cosmetics….