Brutal honety

I’ve been so obsessed with getting down to ONEderland that I’ve missed the bigger picture. Self sabotage. I have been making poor food choices and I’ve been very emotional, because I don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel beautiful. I felt awesome yesterday when I did my work out and managed to make it through the entire thing with out getting winded and was singing along to the songs.

But as I study my body and my 132 lbs weight loss and figure out that a size 16/18 might be it for me. I’m not content with my body but I’m comfortable. I know that sounds terrible but for years at my heaviest weight range I would say I’d kill to be a size 16 or 18… still plus size but still squishy.

Now? Now I just think I’m afraid of becoming a victim again. I’ve been through sexual molestation and rape and I’m very scared that if I get smaller I’ll be more of a target and that scares me. I’m so scared all the time that my depression and anxiety began to unravel out of control which lead to emotional grazing since I couldn’t binge, instead I would make subconscious poor choices. And its time for me to own it. Gastric bypass is a tool, it is part of my tool kit to transform myself into a healthier me. I have betrayed myself lately and its time to call myself out. I haven’t stalled but I haven’t exactly been loosing either. I will get down to my goal weight and I will get my wardrobe change and I will get back on track.

I’ve made counseling appointments and have been taking buspar for three days and I already feel myself stabling out. So from here on out it goes like this. I love myself I deserve this to be the greatest tool i have and to get down to my goal weight. Nothing can stop me now.

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3 thoughts on “Brutal honety

  1. *hug* Life after gastric bypass surgery isn’t always a walk in the park. There are so many changes that need to be made. But at the same time, acknowledging you slip up is important…but don’t beat yourself up about it. Shit happens, you know? If it’s any consolation, I’ve gained 6 lbs since my surgery in February. Oops. 🙁 But what counts is that you and I are stepping up to the plate to call ourselves out on our mistakes, and take steps to fix them.

    Buspar for you (Dan took that last year and did well on it), Zoloft for me. Happies for all! 🙂

  2. I bounced onto your page…of-course read your post. I’m sorry about all the horrible things that have happened to you. It’s easier to say then it is to do… but don’t hate yourself. Don’t look down on yourself. Love yourself for who you are and put the past behind you. Tomorrow is a new beautiful day and let that be what gets you threw this life. If we all stopped and looked behind us none of us would be here. We all have something that scares us or has had something happen to be an unease in our life. Life is to short! Make it beautiful!!!

    I know what it’s like to struggle with weight. I had lost all my weight at age 17 down to 140. Got married and gained it all back from stress. Divorced lost some but nothing like I want. I’m getting married next year and I DO NOT want to look back at my wedding photos like I did last time and the only thing going threw my mind how ugly I felt. I deserve to feel good about myself and my life. I’ve been doing real good and this weekend I slipped up. Felt like crap about it even cussed myself out but I let it go and realized I just needed to restart and every time I need to restart I get better and better at not slipping up in turn makes me feel better. Don’t give up!! It’s hard I know, support helps from anyone you can get it from even if it’s a stranger bouncing on your page!!! :):):)

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