I’ve been so obsessed with getting down to ONEderland that I’ve missed the bigger picture. Self sabotage. I have been making poor food choices and I’ve been very emotional, because I don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel beautiful. I felt awesome yesterday when I did my work out and managed to make it through the entire thing with out getting winded and was singing along to the songs.
But as I study my body and my 132 lbs weight loss and figure out that a size 16/18 might be it for me. I’m not content with my body but I’m comfortable. I know that sounds terrible but for years at my heaviest weight range I would say I’d kill to be a size 16 or 18… still plus size but still squishy.
Now? Now I just think I’m afraid of becoming a victim again. I’ve been through sexual molestation and rape and I’m very scared that if I get smaller I’ll be more of a target and that scares me. I’m so scared all the time that my depression and anxiety began to unravel out of control which lead to emotional grazing since I couldn’t binge, instead I would make subconscious poor choices. And its time for me to own it. Gastric bypass is a tool, it is part of my tool kit to transform myself into a healthier me. I have betrayed myself lately and its time to call myself out. I haven’t stalled but I haven’t exactly been loosing either. I will get down to my goal weight and I will get my wardrobe change and I will get back on track.
I’ve made counseling appointments and have been taking buspar for three days and I already feel myself stabling out. So from here on out it goes like this. I love myself I deserve this to be the greatest tool i have and to get down to my goal weight. Nothing can stop me now.