I don’t even know.

My anxiety has blown out of proportion lately. Its no secret that I am on disability because of mental health reasons, a lots of them.I’ve been medication free for 5 years and thought I had been doing rather well. I went through with the gastric bypass I became motivated for my life change and then along the way I just became numb, listless and tired. So tired. Tired of being angry, scared, nervous, on edge and down right depressed.

I’ve went through every emotion and sadly, I knew it was time for professional help when I was hanging up the laundry and began to cry realizing that if I left this world, very few people would miss me. I didn’t become obsessed with the idea of death, not like I used to. But for awhile I had myself convinced that I was no longer the strong, independent woman I transformed into, but the fat ugly duckling that was fantasizing about death. I thought that if I went through one more heart ache that I wouldn’t survive. My confidence drained fast and I felt more and more insecure with my melting body.

When I started to feel unsexy and that my boyfriend whom I love very much would rather look at porn than me… which isn’t true.. but it fueled my insecurities and I’m left fearing everything will once again be ripped away.

I’m left with this emotional roller coaster of baggage that are from years of self abuse, the emotional abuse of family members and the sexual traumas I endured as a child and as a college student. I slipped into the roll of the victim. I became this sad pathetic thing that was once a strong survivor.

So here I go again on the journey to find myself, my stability and even some sanity. I’ve been having this love affair with myself and so far the physical  is getting better. I’m loosing weight, but the head hunger, the need to fill some deep seeded void within myself .. that has to stop because that’s how I got fat to begin with. Grazing, taking medication that made me hungry and made me think I was hungry or just caused weight gain. Very little physical activity etc. So its time to change. I can’t just waste my life in bed with my head under the covers like a ostrich’s head in the sand.

I refuse to be a victim, I am strong and its about time I realize this. So here’s the first step in the long, long line of things I will be going through soon. I just hope in the end its all worth it.

 

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