A song can break a heart.
I’ve come so far in my life, I’ve survived rape, surgery, heart break,emotional abuse, physical abuse, a misscarriage and now everything seems to break my heart all over again. The biggest offender is music. Music and lyrics that used to me so much to me now reduce me to tears, I can’t help but to think back on the memory, the charming moments I fell in love, the fear of refalling in love so hard again, making someone my entire world only to be thrown away again, knowing that won’t happen unless I turn into some crazy woman like the ones before me.
How some songs make so much sense, and take my breath away because they’ve hit some horrid thought and emotional state of mind. I can’t help but to think, a song can break a heart. How once inspirational songs are now just painful reminders of some action that was done while listening to the song. Or a reminder of how imperfect I am, and the fear seeps in. The nightmares begin and I’m spiralling inot a cycle of anxiety, and depression and memories.
Of how I get up every morning and try to live my life and enjoy my life but I feel like I can’t breath because at a moments notice I could loose it all over again. How I try so freaking hard, and feel like my life is going no where except loosing weight and maintence of my mental health. Being bipolar is a bitch. The changing seasons does it to me every time. Feeling alone when all I want to to is curl up in my mans, or my Mom’s arms and cry, not knowing why I cry except that I have this incredible saddness in my heart, when there shouldn’t be.
How I feel insecure because my father… well I won’t go there because I’m already close to tears as it is and I’ve done my make up so I don’t want to cry. But lets just say that he’s not in my life any longer and that breaks my heart. I often wonder if he even remembers the hell I’ve been through in my life and how many times he’s seen or heard me cry.
None of it matters really. Except that songs can break a heart. Sure it can make you dance, it can make you sing and shake an ass. But truely powerful songs and reduce you to your knees and make you beg for the moment to end, for the tears to stop, for the reasons in your life that are good to be remembered because that moment a song breaks your heart, and rips it from your chest crippling you.. that’s when you know that you may never be the same again. You’re just hanging in there until you work yourself up to being truely happy again. The sun will rise again and until then you might worry everyone around you, but those that know, the care, will keep asking and keep holding you together when you can’t do it on your own, and those people are those I am truely thankful for.
For now its time to avoid the songs that breaks your heart. For now its time to just breath, and let it go.