Experiences being invisible and fat.
My entire life was spent as the chubby/overweight/obese child/teen. I had been told by doctors time and time again to loose weight. That the older you get the harder it is to loose weight. I tried, I was the child that ate vegi’s and wanted nothing more than fruits and vegis. When we’d go out to eat at McDonald’s I’d get a Big Mac sure… but that’s because my father thought it was too expensive to get a salad. (This was before the lawsuit and health craze.) The more I did, the harder it was for me to loose a pound let alone the weight I needed. At age 14 I noticed, as did my mother that something was a miss. I remember going back to 8th grade English class after 7 viles of blood was taken from my arm, I felt weak and unhealthy.
Soon after that I was diagnosed with PCOS. (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) along with insulin resistance. Time went on and the weight, no matter what I did wouldn’t come off. I joined the swim team until a D in Spanish got me kicked off. I still wasn’t ‘thin’ and I’d only lost about 20lbs total.
I became the chubby goth girl and an invisible. I wasn’t popular. I also didn’t eat a lot in school. If it was a meal that I couldn’t pass up like shrimp poppers or taco days I’d eat. Mostly I’d just have a cold bagel to go with raspberry ice tea and maybe eat that. Maybe. I was shamed for eating sustaining healthy foods and when I’d go to a social gathering I was forced to triple check my plate because everyone looked at me like omg the fat girl. Omg she’s gonna eat everything.
I became ashamed of myself and of my body and bought cloths that were a few sizes too large to hide myself. After being put on several weight gaining medications I was put on topomax and lost 83 lbs… no migraines and then they took me off of it. I spent weekends alone and was treated like a second class citizen because of my weight.
When I finally got ready and healthy enough to go through Gastric Bypass I had been through severe bullying, depression etc etc etc. I’d have to worry about what chair would hold my weight and go to sit down and be told that no that chair wouldn’t hold my weight and I’d end up sitting on the floor.
Looking back I should have carried myself with confidence that I do now, however, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I felt disgusted at being the fat girl. At one time I was the largest person in the room no matter where I went. It was insane. I would walk down the street and children in school buses would yell obscenities and whale jokes at me. One day I’d had enough and I called the local school and explained what was going on and that I felt it was unfair for myself, the bus driver and the other students. It still happens every so often but now its not to me, even thought I tense up when people drive by.
I still get starred at. But now its because [i]I’m hot.[/i] I’ve always been a pretty girl, some even said I was beautiful. Now? I have guys driving past yelling, “Hey Baby” at me. I smile and never answer because I’m worth more than just getting a drive by hollering at. I have guys starring and whispering, “That woman is really beautiful and carries herself with respect. Should I get her number?”
All of the pain that I’ve been through has made me kind and compassionate. Yes there are times I seem cocky but I’m still insecure. Now its not because of fitting somewhere, but its the loose skin and the fact that my diet is so different. NOW verus THEN. I can’t eat a plate full of food, and when I go out I have left overs usually for at least three meals after. I was given over the weekend a bag of cloths and the shirts all look like they’d fit my younger sister and they fit me. They are XL,L,and M in Old Navy and Arospotle, GAP and other preppy stores that I never would have dreamed of fitting into.
I feel healthy, I feel sexy. And I no longer feel invisible.