Here’s my secret….(Possibly triggering.)

I was raped. I have no issues talking about it since it happened 6 years ago. The shame of it all… the memories.. the hurt. It sucks. Yes, there were complications. Yes I still suffer from night terrors and panic attacks. Yes I still feel dirty.

The worst part is? I’m still being punished. Because of said complications I am punished, every time I fall for a guy I have to tell him. If I don’t its not ethical and also it’d be hard to understand if I randomly go into a panic attack because of a certain smell, touch, etc. So I’m honest and I say something.

Only time and time again its “I’m sorry. I can’t handle this.”

Let me tell you something about handling this.

I had a knife shoved against my neck, I felt the cold metal blade biting into my skin. I remember the fear, the look in this monster’s eyes. I remember the smell, old spice and barn… I remember what he made me do. I remember him laughing when it was over, telling me that I was alright and we’d do this again. I remember bleeding for 72 hours after. I remember how bad it hurt to walk, to sit, to stand, to lay. I remember burning my bedding and going to Walmart to get more. I remember the bleach I used to clean the mattress, my clothes and the room itself.

I remember the shame, the fact that I became a college statistic. I remember every detail. I have nightmares about it. He’s on facebook now and I didn’t realize he was on another person’s friend’s list and he spoke to me and called me by name. I freaked and blocked him.

I feel ashamed, like I should have been stronger to fight him off. I feel like a whore. I feel like its all my fault for agreeing to go out on the date to begin with. I feel like there’s no one in this world that would want my baggage and that love isn’t going to come for me. I feel like a 2nd class citizen, because I’m one of the few that’s had this happen.

I feel disgusting.  Like no matter how hard I work to make my life better it only gets worse.

I feel like love isn’t out there for me. That continuing to try is pointless. It breaks my heart to know that every relationship has been unhealthy because of one reason or another and now that I might never get the Cinderella wedding, or the fairy tale ending, breaks my heart even more. I’m a very loving person, a romantic and all I’ve ever wanted was to have a family and kids. Now? Now I’d be shocked if someone actually said they loved me for me, for my past and for the future I’m struggling so hard to achieve.

I’ve been struggling for so long, and for so long there have struggled with thoughts of why. Why did this happen? Why am I still here? Why … why… why. The truth is there are no answers, not even close. There is only memories and shame and the wish that someone would be ok with this. And its a lot to take in. I understand and the only person I hate is the man that did this to me. I’m not asking for pity, or even a comment… that’s up to you. I just want you to know where ever you are… if you’re a rape victim you’re not alone. There are those out there that understand your pain.

The fact is that we survived, I did, and if you’re reading this and you’ve been raped you did to. Life may suck and its hard to trust, to let those walls down. I can’t even explain to you how hard it is. I can’t promise you a better future or that the pain will go away. I can’t even say that there won’t be moments when salt gets poured into the open wounds.

I can promise that the sun will rise and set, that hours will turn into days, and days will turn into months and then years. Time will go by and maybe you’ll find it ok to smile and laugh again. Maybe you’ll find inner peace and love for yourself. Maybe you’ll find love and be happy.

… or maybe you’ll end up like me. But it’s not so bad. I have an amazing family, good friends…. just no one to share my love with. No one to share my life with. At the end of the day I go to sleep alone. Well as alone as one can get with three cats and three dogs trying to fight for your chest/back to lay on you.  For now that’s enough. The pain will subside in a few days…weeks…whatever it takes. I’ll smile and laugh and when the day comes that I truly mean it… well I’ll let you know.

For now I’m surviving.

For now that’s enough.

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4 thoughts on “Here’s my secret….(Possibly triggering.)

  1. I know how you feel to a certain extent…. I definitely know the feeling, except I thought for every second that I was going to end up dead. Every time I went unconscious… every feel of the knife…. every hit, word, etc. I never reported it… and sometime I wonder, what if he did this to someone else and I could have prevented it… what if he ended up killing someone else… and so many feelings. And this isn’t the only thing I have PTSD from, but the nightmares, constantly looking behind me when I walk, scared in parking garages and so on.

    But, it has also really affected me in a perverted way. When I have sexual encounters, I almost want to relive it. I want to be tied up, beaten, choked, cut, cry, hurt…… in a really bad way. Like, I feel like I constantly want that rough encounter again. I have never told a psychiatrist, but I wonder what exactly makes me want it. I can’t just enjoy having sex unless I feel like I’m a helpless victim. I just don’t understand exactly…. and it’s really hard to find someone who is even willing to do things to level… most people just think I’m really strange.

    1. There’s nothing wrong with being submissive. I am to a certain point. If you feel that uncomfortable with it then please talk to someone about it. But if its just a sexual submission thing, well everyone has a fetish.

  2. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel…I wasn’t ever raped. But I was attacked during college and barely got away. And even from just that…I could barely stand to have Mike touch me in any way that was more than holding hands or a hug. It was torture for me. And after Mike and I broke up, it haunted every date I went on. So I do know what it’s like to live every day with that shadow hanging over your head and any relationships you have.

    But I’m also here to say that someday it’ll happen. You’ll find someone who understands….someone who will love you for everything you are and everything that has made you that person. I honestly never thought I’d be able to have sex again…and as an extension never find someone to love (because who wants to be with the neurotic girl who won’t let you touch her?).

    And then I met Seto. He’s been beyond amazing. He understand what happened and is patient with me. So there are guys out there who understand and can handle the neurosis. Just gotta be patient, and someday one will come along.

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