Aud Sang Lang (Goodbye 2012)

This year hasn’t been the easiest for me. I fell in love, gave up everything I worked so hard for to go live a new life in Michigan. I met some people that most would die to meet, and in the end none of them were worth it. I made some of the hardest choices of my life, and under went a major surgery.

January I turned 27 and had high hopes for the year. I didn’t do a damn thing except bake myself some red velvet cupcakes. February -May flew by and before I knew it I was preparing with endless weeks of semi liquid to liquid diets for my RNY gastric bypass in May. (May 18th)

Here is what I looked like New Years 2011

This is what I look like New Years 2012:

I was a size 32 at the beginning of this year and am ending the year at a size 18 jeans and a size medium top. I was around a 4x top at the beginning of this year. I began the year single and I’m ending it the same. I’m a lot more jaded than I used to be. Living in a big city while I loved it and wanted to partake in every part of it… it changed me. I won’t say for the better or worse because in away it was a bit of both. I’m less likely to believe people’s crap anymore. I’m a lot less slow to cry or flip out. I have anger issues now for the first time in my life. (Really bad ones anyway.)

I’m not sure what 2013 will bring, but I survived the ‘end’ of the world, the rapture, Y2K and a few other ‘end of the world’ events. So I’m pretty lucky there. Most people no longer know who I am unless they know the tattoos I have on my body. I’m also liking the attention I’m getting and a lot of people are not so ok with this.  I assure you that I’m not sleeping around or anything like that. Just flirting. I’ve gotten a few comments that I’m more ‘hardcore’ then I used to be. Meh whatever.

I began this year I living on my own and now I live with family and sleep on their couch. I was stable at the beginning of this year and now I feel out of control. I met someone I thought was ‘the one’ only to have it thrown back in my face.

I don’t usually make new year’s resolutions but this year I might. I think it might be to not fall for boys that aren’t worth my time that talk a really sweet game but in the end have no actions. The guys that just want to have loveless sex and nothing more. Guys who aren’t educated, well mannered and especially gang bangers.

I’m also going to try to learn to love myself this year. I feel like a royal fuck up moving out of state with a guy only to live with this heart retching regret. Knowing that he never wanted me I was just a way out until he got settled enough to be with someone else. Living with the self hatred and the fear of ever loving someone so much again and wondering what’s wrong with you.

I guess there’s a lot I’ve never said about my time there and back and to be perfectly honest a lot of it will never be in writing because the pain of writing it down… just can’t do it. There’s a lot that I’m working with my counselor about and am healing as best I can. I can finally see his picture and hear his name at not feel like I’m going to break down and cry. Which is a vast improvement as to where I had been even a month ago.

 

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