Christmas shopping done.

Thank god for Amazon Prime. I managed to get all of the presents for the kiddos that I wanted to get them.  So with this, all extra time that I have now just waiting for them to come in and then wrap it I am going from room to room and sorting through each room and Kon Mari method happens and I am down sizing everything in this house.  With my chronic pain issues I am having a hard time keeping up with house work with out having to recoup for a few days only to have the house trashed again my toddlers. So in the spirit of health and simplicity I am only keeping what we need vs what we want. I also want to spend less so we can start saving up for a down payment for a house. Which is something that I really want is to be able to own our own home.

I really want to become the best self I can be for my family and in 2018 I want to be able to really get my life together and finish my photography degree, as well as start a savings account and get out of debt as much as we can.  I’ve designed a bullet journal to help with the goals I have set for myself including getting down to my goal weight again.

The tree is up and the house is decorated, well it was until the cats and the children got ahold of the tree.  Now  I have to get the tree back up to where it was. Thankfully most of the ornaments are plastic and can just be rehung.  I wasn’t really into the spirit of Christmas because we have so much stuff now that we don’t know what to do with it all.

So I’m starting a 40 bags in 40 days challenge and I’m starting with the laundry. Because we still have baby clothing. And since I don’t wanna end up on the next episode of hoarders its time to clean out stuff.

Healthy wife, healthy life

If you follow me on Instagram @healthywifehealthylife you’ve noticed that I haven’t been posting a lot of selfies because I am super puffy. I’ve gained a lot of weight thanks to poor habits along with the depo shot. But I’ve decided during 2018 that I am going to live my best life and make good choices and become healthy.

It’s not just me anymore and I think a lot of bad habits has resurfaced because I’ve been so concerned with my children, my wedding, and my husband. I have literally taken no time for me and that’s affected, my children.  I have become cranky and weak. Before my near-death experience and battling back to health along with having false allegations filed against me for stupid reasons that were found untrue and thankfully nothing came of it. But it’s.0 just the point that my overall well being, including my mental health.

Upon research, I’ve realized that because of PCOS and having the gastric bypass I need to stick to the No Carb Rule. And replace with low carb gluten free options. I’ve found that eating a lot of carbs and gluten makes me feel like crap. I’ve also been so depressed that I haven’t kept on my vitamin routine as well for the past couple of months because of finances.

Thankfully, now things are calming down money wise I can re-organize my vitamins and since I’ve rigged a bullet journal system made from two Lechturms1917 and I put them into my unringed filofax domino (In pink.)  I tucked each cover into the pocket and bound the two center covers together. I’ve started a weight loss goal and a plan to do it, step by step. I plan on blogging and possibly vlogging my experiences with eating healthy, making sure that my water intake is met and my macro’s are still met.

My over all goal in 2018 is to be healthy and for my family to be healthy too. So that means once the junk food is gone from my home there will be no more, and the noodles and pastas and stuff we do have will be donated, or used strictly for the children.  I really want to start feeling like myself again, and in order to do that I have to work for it.

2017 was a shit show in no uncertain terms and it was a really dark time for me and mine, but we all are healthy now and we have each other.

Which way is up?

This is basically how I feel about the holidays around the corner, and the fact that I have so much I want to do vs what I can actually do within my budget. This is nothing new and I think I may start buying things early next year for Christmas.

I am also continually purging the house of any too small clothing for the kids and trying to get my own act organized before the new year. I’ve become obsessed with bullet journals and traveler’s notebooks and everything stationary which I will say is different the planner related because there’s like two planners (inkwell and LimeLife) that you can use a fountain pen on. On the low end, there is 1 and that’s the Happy Planner.

I really like the customization of the bullet journal and how I can change it as I need it. I will admit that I have gown down the rabbit hole of youtube videos and I regret nothing.  There are some very talented people out there in both the leather working side such as Foxy Fix which is my #1 gift idea for myself, to just the layouts in the Lecthurn 1917. My weeks are not set in stone and only two days of the week I HAVE to do something (headstart) first thing in the AM and the rest of the day is cleaning.

I do have to wake up my husband so I can get my cuddle time before he goes to work but other then that I’m a pretty easy going parent. I have to get back into school which is also a priority the migraines I was suffering from pretty much still control my life, but I’ve decided to no longer let it.

One of the neighbor’s that owns a cabin up on the hill got two buck in one day and gave one to Ron. I was there helping during the processing of the deer and we got deer meat to take home. I love hunting season and the sear kindness that strangers have towards us small town folks. Tonight I am making deer ribs in the air fryer. It smells heavenly in here.

I don’t have my tree up yet, I think I’ll ask DJ about that tonight with both the kids home. We may be struggling but we have this amazing bond. I am worried about Jason because he’s basically slept all day and for him that’s weird. But I also didn’t go visit Mom today and kept him and his runny nose home and gave him day time toddler meds (Thank you Hylands #notsponsed)  and it seemed to have knocked him right out.

John and Jason are getting more vocal then what they were a month ago. Jason is currently beat boxing and making all kids of noises and clicks as well as saying words. I got myself a Kindle Fire on Black Friday and I am testing the boys to see how they use it and so far so good. I may end up getting each of them one, with the child proof case for each. One in Blue one in Red.

Life is good.  Sunday we went down with my sister and her husband and daughter to my Aunt’s for Christmas dinner and it was really nice. Weird being the adults in this situation with our kids since WE were the kids. But it was a lot of fun and it made me realize some things I need to change with the boys.

There’s a lot to be thankful for.

I love the holidays and while my waist line is saying “Nope.” over all the yummy foods that seemingly are everywhere, I am pretty happy. I’ve been doing a lot better with keeping things caught up and destashing a lot of un-needed stuff. I can’t stand clutter and its really getting to me. I’m going through things, room by room, down sizing as I go.

This year’s dinner was made of course by Pop Pop with help from me and the other girls. We stayed there most of the day with the kids and it was just amazing. The food was amazing and I love spending time with them. My list of gratitude this year is short. My family. My friends. My children. My husband.

5 Day Pouch test… again.

I stepped on the scale today and needless to say that between period bloat and eating like shit, I am in desperate need of a reset. I’m praying that this kickstarts the weight loss again as I will be working out again as well.

Wish me luck! I’ll be blogging and possibly Vlogging on my youtube channel about my experiences and possibly even doing a story time of how I almost died… soooo stay tuned!

Marriage is work. Life Update.

My married life is amazing. I love my husband. Its only been a few months but navigating the life of being a wife and a mother is hard. Working together with another human being is hard. Knowing that said person could walk at any time for someone with abandonment anxiety is hell.

I have nightmares all the time about DJ leaving and changing his number. I know that sounds pathetic but for someone who loves her husband so much, and who has a husband that loves me so much. But anxiety.

The past month we’ve waited very patiently for our insurance cards to come in. And for some reason, they didn’t mail them out which was fixed today. So for the past month, I have been depending on CBD vape, samples from my doctor’s and coping skills.

A week ago I fell down the last two stairs in my home (not paying attention) and because of the lack of calcium absorption due to the RNY I ended up fracturing my ankle, not horribly bad something that could have healed with an ace bandage. But I tore up my ligaments pretty badly so I am in a cast for the next month.

I also can’t take NSAIDS so I’m doing this with just Tylenol alone.  So yeah, I have to make a doctor’s appointment not only to get something I CAN take to help with the pain management for this broken ankle, but I also found out that one of my medications is no longer covered by my insurance that I now have.  This is an entirely a pain in the ass because this medication was working to help with my depression issues.

Its so frustrating have a doctor that doesn’t take your pain levels seriously.  It sucks living in an area so rampant with drugs that every doctor has to look at you like your suspect until proven otherwise.

So last night I ended up texting my husband and going off on him over a complete misunderstanding. I was in pain, and not feeling well and I just lost it from all the stress that we are under. All the debt. Its just mind boggling.

So here I am, can’t work because of my mental health issues and my physical issues and a doctor that won’t take me seriously enough to help me be able to live my best life. So its time to get another doctor.

Getting another doctor is a whole other mess… anyways. Marriage. Marriage is work. It’s working together, it’s working on yourself. It’s working on living your best life, with the love of your life. Its making things work when its a bad day when its a good day. And most of all its being a loving team.

I love my husband and I would be lost without him. I just wish he wasn’t so damaged from his first marriage. If we could rewind time and have built a life together with out all of our collective damages. Because we are both damaged. But we work together to fill in each other’s missing pieces. And I love him for that.

Is there such a thing as soul mates? I’m unsure but DJ does complete me. He understands me and tries to work with me even if that means moving heaven and earth to do so.  I know that I don’t talk about my family a lot because there’s a lot that goes on that is stressful. A lot that I don’t know how to put into words. And more that are precious memories that I don’t wanna share.

The future is unknown and it scares the crap out of me. But what I do know is that DJ and our children will be there. In my heart forever. And I love him for that.

The problem with #metoo

First I was raped. In college 2006. That’s all you need to know about that. I won’t go into the details. They are triggering to me and to many other survivors. I will never call a sexual assault survivor a victim because it is so insulting to me. You survived a horrible trauma. Possibly even over a long period of time, or maybe it was a one-one thing.

So here’s the problem with the #metoo posts. Firstly you’re putting a target on your back for every preditor online. Because rape is about control and not sex. So not only are you trying to do something good that could be putting you in danger but you also may be triggering another person who’s not handled their trauma.

Secondly. There’s something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that causes panic attacks, flashbacks, and other really awful things. You never know if by posting your story you could be triggering someone else. 1-4 women every 15 minutes are raped. 1 in 6 men. 85% of rape goes unreported because of the rape culture we are currently in. Because these trauma’s go unreported that means these people do not get treatment, counseling, or even closure from convicting their assaulter.

Being a survivor you have to relearn to live with the trauma. Feeling dirty, unworthy, like a whore, like you asked for it. Just to name a few. You could spiral into depression or self harm or addiction, no two people have the same reaction. Yes sharing your story is powerful for you, And yes we should educate people about rape and rape culture.

Also you don’t owe your story to anyone. If you’re like me you are a safe person to confide in about sexual assault, and I will not judge you and take you to counseling or to the ER. I will drag your ass out of a party if you’re too drunk. I will be your fake lesbian girlfriend if need be.

But I will not trigger another human being with my traumatic story. My past is my past and I’ve grown from it.

Life or something like it.

Life has been kicking my butt lately, between physical and mental health issues and being unmedicated for about a month I was struggling.  I was also unknowingly getting my first period since the depo shot, which btw was hell. Thankfully, I was able to get my medications at a steep discount and our finances are turning around as is our insurance being activated October 1.

I really wanted to blog and I had a million ideas but zero drive to actually do anything about it. My stomach started to act up again, which was a huge problem because the pain was unbearable enough for me to need trips to the ER to get pain management and CT scans.

I’ve been using CBD oil for myself and the children avidly since John started head start. That’s another exciting thing that happened to us, is that John started headstart! He’s learning so much and is talking so much better. I am so beyond thankful that he was able to go.

School is going well and I’m learning a lot about the field of photography, the history, and basics. I also understand that I have a ton to learn.  And I’m very excited to do this. I find this study to be a lot better for me because it’s more tactical. I have physical things to read as well as take notes with.

Its that time of year again where we are at the planner order time of year and I’m exploring the options that are out there. I really want an inkwell press planner but I can’t afford the price tag that goes along with it. I also do not have a local Office Max, just a Staples.

There was a girl on my facebook that needed to give a kitten away and I jumped at the chance and ended up with three kittens that would have in turn either ended at the pound and since two of the three are black in my area being superstitious and would most likely be killed, I absolutely took them in as well. I have a huge heart when it comes to furry babies. (and snakes)

I’ve been with out a laptop for awhile now because my children did something to my macbook pro and my Dell also crapped the bed as well.  So I’ve been doing everything from a desktop computer in my office, which with two toddlers is almost impossible to do, since I can’t even do dishes with out them getting into something.

I also apparently can’t do dishes with out injurying myself. Yesterday I had planned on staying home to clean and cut my thumb on a glass bowl that had gotten chipped. I seriously screamed “What the hell?” put pressure on it and ran upstairs woke DJ up the rest of the way with “Baby wake up I’m bleeding!”

My children god love them, started yelling for their Pop Pop “Ron!!!” and I was trying not to freak out because it did look like I needed stitches but because I didn’t know for sure- we wrapped my hand up in towel and drove over to Ron’s. (I am so thankful for him. I really am.)

So yeah, that’s life as I know it right at this moment. I don’t know why I’m so compelled to write this next part, but maybe because I hoped someone would have written this when I was feeling low.

You are important. You are someone’s person. Someone’s family member and friend. Don’t ever think that you’re alone and not worth reaching out for help. Because you are worth it. You can and will get through this. I promise.

Changes in life can be a good thing.

As most of you are aware I got married in July. Because of this I’ve lost my SSI due to my husband’s income being too high for me to get it.  This brings me two options reapply and get denied over and over again, or take a risk and go back to school to get a photography degree.

Mind you I tried this before and couldn’t finish due to almost dying, and I really want to show my children that anything is possible as long as you work hard and want it. I want to set a good example to them. I know my limits and I know what i can take… so here I go!

My first botox injections.

So Tuesday, August 8th I went in for my botox injections for my chronic and daily migraines.  The shots themselves hurt but not bad. I have a lot of tattoos and it didn’t hurt any more than a tattoo would have. So I go home, riding of course, and I have a pretty bad headache which is a common side effect. I still have headaches but they aren’t as bad as they were which is a plus. The doctor also said that I probably wouldn’t be head ache free until the second round of injections.

Wednesday I woke up, no headache, pretty mild back pain which is surprising because my back has been killing me since summer of 2015. I’ve just been to worried about other areas of my body to really tell what my back was doing. So its been a few days and my back still hurts, but it seems to be cracking more and more which gives some relief until it needs cracked again.

My left shoulder and neck hurt though and that is to be expected when you get a shot in your muscle. But slowly, I am getting better and finding relief.